b R o K e N

i thought i was kidding and not being serious when i said i was broken hearted when he left. i thought i was going to be prepared because i have known all along that he will not stay permanently; that he can always be transferred. i never expected though that he was just going to leave totally to another facility. my world crashed, it was the hardest thing to pretend a smile but which i did for a second and i had to leave the room. I can't continue pretending. I can't let them see me affected.

we were not together, we were never a couple but i thought there was something there, i saw sparks and twinkles.

i'm hurting, so bad that i don't have the drive and determination i used to. i am not beautiful, but i thought it was not a problem. he treated me differently compared to other nurses. he teased, bashed and joked around me. was he just amused with me because i can be raucous and loaded with lame jokes?

i want to cry but it won't just flow! i waited and waited for him to message even if just to say "Happy Birthday" but nothing.

now, a few weeks since he left and i have to knock my head and learn to accept that he is not coming back, that he moved on and all those thinking and thoughts are ASSUMPTIONS! A big fat ASSumption. did i assume too much he liked me back? did i read those signals wrong?

my friend said i was just dropped like a hot potato and it hurts too much to admit that I was. I knew that I just assumed too much because I really liked him, that everything he did meant something more than what was intended.

they tell me I'm not myself since I discovered he was leaving and it's true. Until now, there's a struggle to be happy at work but I'm doing my best. i'm grieving and at the moment, I believe i'm on my way to the 4th stage. I am sad, I am unhappy but I am praying these feelings of depression and sadness will go away soon. 

I pray that day will come when I will meet that someone and all the broken pieces will reflect and sparkle the happiness that we'll both share. that the assumptions will be realities and the signals are pointing on the same direction.

I will wait for that day, and I know I will be happy!

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the photos.

✞✞✞ when ethics and palliative care collide!! ☤☤☤

Aging process becomes an eye opener, how those once keen and sharp minds end to this muddled and often confused state.  But all the joy comes back when their wits turns to the innocent (some perceive it as stupid) and child like questions and antics. Well, i won't generalize it for everybody, some wallow in loneliness and develop anti- social behavior. But that's where the magic of nursing care arises and paves the way for the older adults to live a life, if not to the fullest but with dignity and quality.

Then comes the hardest part, when the client's condition spirals down and the family and the ceiling of care has been established. Palliative care has played an increased significance to the population, young and old age. Palliative care is generally accepted here in New Zealand and it does offer the best option to several health condition. Quality of life is assessed and discussed between the health team, family and the patient (well, if they are still compos mentis). 

Issues emerge when patients are classified as palliative care. I suppose because some people don't understand what Palliative care is or it could be culturally motivated. Often, you hear the word euthanasia during conversation, is palliative care a form of euthanasia? Why do they have this notion? From this human's little brain's opinion, primarily due to the use of medication to alleviate their pain and distress. And which we know this medication can also hasten the life of the patient.

Is euthanasia ethical? Or mercy killing showing mercy at all? Controversies that have been debated over and over again. I grew up a Catholic and I intend to die a Catholic. And my faith tells me to respect life, to be proactive and yet I am here doing the opposite, or is it really the opposite? Was I involved in assisted killing when all we wanted is to keep him comfortable in his/her last hours? 

I will fervently say "NO", I did the right thing but for someone else, I did a terrible action despite the fact it is a part of my job to follow the plan of the collective planning of several disciplines including the family and patient allowed. Was I comfortable giving medications? If I believe this was euthanasia, do I have the right to refuse the plan and let other nurses administer medications for me? Will I get upset after a patient dies hours after I started their infusions or given them medications?

If there's one thing I mastered, it is to be objective. The patient's comfort is the priority, I feel shit after but I have learned to overcome the guilt and punch myself back to reality. As a Nurse, I have seen how a comfortable and quiet death impacts on a family. The Palliative Care assists from end of life care to family support and this leads to a different scenario of misery to acceptance and being able to live the rest of their lives of their choosing and ending it with a bang.

No one will win and judgement to who is right will be known when we eventually face Him. 

💞💞💞C H I N A 💞💞💞 L O V E 💞💞💞

9 years has passed since I first stepped into the wintry foreign land of China. I never expected or thought of being ever to be in this country, not as a Nurse anyway. I was very ambivalent with my feelings as I made my way to the customs area. The feeling of uncertainty increasing as I was getting lost at the airport and the people I approached walked away immediately as soon as I opened my mouth. As the airport staff rummaged through my luggage, I was hanging by a thread to keeling over out of nervousness. The seemingly unending luggage checking came to an end and they allowed me to get out. As I looked around the throng of people waiting for their loved ones, I was feeling that urge again to turn back and demand for a ride back to the Philippines.

I thought someone calling my name amidst the chaos was the sweetest sound I ever heard in my life. There in the horde of humans were two people jumping up and down to catch my attention. I readily burst with energy and forced them to listen to my barrage of "how the english language failed me in china". Th enthusiasm of being in the red country started to creep into my system as I watched through the car's window and quickly the landscapes and people flicked by.

Entering the building of New Hope Foundation in Beijing for the first time met me with trepidation as this little girl met us. I never saw a blue baby in my life and here greeting me with the brightest smile was one. She reached her hand and I instantly held it, it was expectedly cold and purple, I was about to carry her when her nanny approached us and led her away pointing at her wet trousers.

Jenny who was responsible for pushing me to apply for the job gave me an overview of how the foundation was operating and what kind of paediatric conditions were being admitted at the foundation's different unit but I was still surprised to see and discover the number of babies afflicted with these various conditions, most of which I only have seen and read on my nursing books before. 

These conditions has kicked in to me hardly, I was scared and my confidence plummeted 6,000 feet below sea level. I was silently castigating myself for putting myself into the situation and not preparing myself emotionally and mentally. But with the people around me, I was able to rally around and find solace in my new environment.

I learned slowly to see beyond that beneath those unfocused eyes were sparkly and laughing mirrors of joy. The gaping lip and split palate emanates the most radiant smile that melts the heart and the sweetest hug and slobbery kisses envelope your whole person with love's purity. 

Loneliness and longing are part of these love but undeniably, witnessing the children's lives changing for the better and best overwhelms the sadness felt of losing many of them which is an often occurring tragic reality.

8 years since I left, memories are still as vivid as if it happened yesterday. these children and nannies have learned to trust and love each other, and this writer has been given the most amazing opportunity to witness and experience it. Loving a stranger unconditionally is the greatest emotion this has sparked and it will always linger in the heart.

Thank you for the love!