so, on my last post, i wrote about this guy i fell madly, deeply in love with. he was gone for exactly 21 months. i was also told he was getting married last march of 2018 but i have no confirmation that it happened. well, my ego and pride in the way, i unfollowed him on facebook.
then, last august, my friend and colleague told me Antibiotic (just one of my names for him) is back and is currently working at the same unit with me.
heart beating.. fast.. fast... and there he was standing in front of the board. so, what did i do? i ran away and made sure our paths never crossed. my friend did not tell him i was working there, as well.
the next day, i was still morning shift and i am resolute in avoiding him but of course, because of my deliberate escape mode, i still bumped him. He was surprised to see me at the unit and asked me to wait for him while he assisted the patient back to her bed. Antibiotic followed me most of the day, still in disbelief that I resigned from the previous ward we worked at. He said he was surprised to see my referral coming from a different unit but thought i might have just been sent out for the day. He said he even planned to visit us at the previous ward.
Meanwhile, I so wanted to ask him why he returned but I did not have the courage to do it. Reflecting back on his return, I realized his effect on me is still there. I still have affection for him and he is still special. I am divided in wanting to work with him and not seeing him knowing he is with someone else already.
On days that we work together, I think I've seen that look on his face, the surprise that I am not with the same people anymore, that I am actually working well with these new people he had no knowledge about. Many times, he tried to engage conversations with me but I would always say I am busy and he leaves me alone. I feel bad but unfortunately, I am really busy and I think he knows completing my jobs are very important for me. At the moment, i don't see him often, as I work mostly on night shifts.
I am scared to work with him often again. I don't want to fall hard once more. I don't want to feel the pain I felt the last time. I don't want to see hope crash. I don't want the tears to flow uncontrollably. I don't want to cling hard out of helplessness. But I know I still like him, I ask myself several times if it just like, maybe deeper, maybe I do really love him.
I want to feel alive again. He made me feel inspired, to get up and go to work with enthusiasm, to be a more resourceful and creative person. Falling for him may have cause me hurt and heart wrenching pain but i cannot deny he also gave me happiness.
For now, the universe managed to cross our paths but not destined on the same direction or in filipino "Pinagtagpo pero hindi itinadhana".
I believe in fate or destiny and where it leads me, I pray it will be soon.
