aLoNe in LoVe

Bear with me, this is my second time to write something about this. So, 35 years in existence and still going through single blessedness. "Don't tell me you're still single? You must be too choosy", frequent question and assumption that I hear from people close and not too close to me. I admit I just laugh it off or fire a cheeky response but lately, I have been easily annoyed with the question. I wish these people realize that no one wants to be single and be alone forever if they only have a choice. Unless, of course, if we choose a religious vocation.

I don't want to be alone, but on the other hand, I am unsure if I am ready to be in a relationship. Some days, I'm all for it then it changes. However, I would always comfort myself and psyche it by saying God sees I am not sure and specific with what  I want so, He still delays a romantic relationship that will involve me. I believe that when you meet someone, perspective changes. Here's a story of me falling in love, I guess.

November 2015, I met this guy at the hospital, I work as a nurse and he was working as an Antibiotic (sorry, can't really say his profession, just in case my friends will read this.. lol). I noticed him immediately because he was a new person at the ward and he was staring at me (maybe, wondering if I'm a human being or a mutated animal or because I was my usual loud self the first time we met). We were entering the ward for the PM shift and he was writing notes at the reception area. It took me a month before I can actually speak to him, I know, too wimpy of me. But then, I just noticed he stared a lot and I get really conscious. I always did my best with my patients, consciously, I wanted to impress him and I made sure all the informations he needed was written on my nursing notes and referrals. I would even go the extra mile and call facilities to personally inquire about patient's status, not that I was not supposed to but I didn't have to do it. I would like to believe he noticed it as he started asking me to inform other nurses to do the same. On his 3rd month on the ward, I heard he might be leaving and get rotated. My heart sunk when I heard that, I was convinced then that I was falling for him or I may have fallen already. But pride was saying it was just a crush, after all, I was working with him almost on a daily basis.

Fortunately, he was not rotated to other ward but then it was I who had to leave the ward for almost 2 months for a hospital project. Those times, I found ways to visit the ward primarily to catch a glimpse of him. I succeeded and I was able to engage in conversations with him. I went back to the ward and I promised myself I will be talking to him more often. 

Antibiotic and I always sit at the same area. Since I started at the ward, that was the area where I always liked to write my notes. When he came in, often, he would be sitting there and I would push myself and sit beside him. Other times, if I get to sit at the area first, he sits beside me. We'd joke around but there's still this awkward breath between us that I know is palpable or possibly, I'm the only one awkward. The following months, was a joy, I hated doing morning shift but I liked it because of him. 

For 2 weeks he was assigned to another ward, then I had to leave for a couple of weeks to the USA for my sister's graduation. We did not see each other but I stalked👀 him on Facebook (a talent, 👏), we were not friends but I was too much of a wimp to add him as a friend. I saw him when I returned to the ward and he took a double look at me because I cut my hair. After the  MDT meeting, he quickly walked with me and flicked my hair, "Looks good", he said and put his arm over my shoulder. These are simple things he would do that sends shivers in my spine. Every time we take photos, he is beside me and he would always make fun of me;  put fingers at the back of my head, use my head as his chin rest or attempt to kiss my acne scarred cheek while I'm busy smiling for the camera, startle me at every opportunity he gets (he knows I scare easily).

He became more comfortable with me and I can say we had a very comfortable working relationship despite me having  very "malicious" feelings towards him. October 4, 2016 was one of the funnest day ever, I woke up and found a friend request from him on Facebook. I felt like it was a jackpot, I felt special. He was in Melbourne when he did the request, he was visiting his mum who was sick that time. I became more positive that we are getting closer.

The good feeling did not last long, as the next week,  I heard he was leaving the hospital, it was one of the worst day ever. I can feel my heart break into pieces, my eyes tearing up so, I excused myself and went to the toilet and composed myself. I did not want anyone to see me cry. I was scared they will know his  resignation was affecting me big time. I admit I felt betrayed with his resignation, just a week before, we were talking about my fellow nurses leaving the ward and he said that he did not have any plans when I asked him.

The following days were quiet for both of us. We were not ourselves, we still sit together often but the jokes and talks were barely there. Finally, when it was announced that he has resigned, I caught him several times looking at me. The next morning, I was entering the medication room when he came to the ward, I did not say anything and went in but he followed. I was not able to hold myself and said "You're leaving us, you don't like us anymore", I said this jokingly but my voice I guess betrayed it. I was near tears and I didn't want to cry, there were other nurses at the room. He quickly explained that he really liked working with us, hence, choosing to stay at the ward for almost a year. I cannot listen to him and went out of the room and pretended to be busy in front of the computer. He followed and sat beside me in silence.

It was the worst month of my life, I wanted to smile but I just can't. On his last day at work, I was dreading it, I wanted to curse him coz it was 2 days before my birthday but I did my best front and still organized his afternoon tea. This was the time I hated being one of the social club member. I made cheesecake and made sure it was his favorite flavour. I did not go at the staff room while they were having the afternoon tea and opted to stay at the floor. I was unsure I will be able keep myself strong and tearless. He immediately hugged me when they came back on the floor and asked why I was not at the staff room. I just shrugged my shoulders, he stared at me and said loudly that he loved the cheese cake. 

His farewell drinks marked the last time we'd see each other, I will always cherish the hugs but I know, that's just it already. I was grateful that I was going to Queenstown the next day and I was distracted for a while. I expected greetings from him on my birthday, unfortunately, nothing. Lesson learned: Never EXPECT and ASSUME. I discovered he went for tramping that weekend. I was praying he would greet me after returning from the camping but still nothing. I resolved that I will move on and forget about him and many times I thought I was doing a good job but simple things about him affects me so much. Then one of my fellow nurse said that he and I were really close as we are always sitting together so they reckon I really feel sad because of him and it was okay to be sad.

I discovered he is with someone and they have been together for some time already. I laughed at myself for not thinking of this, I just blamed myself for being so gullible. 

Am I still hoping for a happy ending with him? I don't know, but until now, my heart aches for him. I never thought his effect will last this long, I have now accepted that I fell in love with him. I know he's happy and I'm happy for him. Am I dreaming impossibly that the universe will somehow send a message to him and see me in a different way? Yes! It's rubbish but if there's one thing I'm holding to is love, it is my Only Hope. If not with him, but to someone else.

Some day, I hope we'll see each other again and both of us happy even if not together.

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the photos.