b R o K e N

i thought i was kidding and not being serious when i said i was broken hearted when he left. i thought i was going to be prepared because i have known all along that he will not stay permanently; that he can always be transferred. i never expected though that he was just going to leave totally to another facility. my world crashed, it was the hardest thing to pretend a smile but which i did for a second and i had to leave the room. I can't continue pretending. I can't let them see me affected.

we were not together, we were never a couple but i thought there was something there, i saw sparks and twinkles.

i'm hurting, so bad that i don't have the drive and determination i used to. i am not beautiful, but i thought it was not a problem. he treated me differently compared to other nurses. he teased, bashed and joked around me. was he just amused with me because i can be raucous and loaded with lame jokes?

i want to cry but it won't just flow! i waited and waited for him to message even if just to say "Happy Birthday" but nothing.

now, a few weeks since he left and i have to knock my head and learn to accept that he is not coming back, that he moved on and all those thinking and thoughts are ASSUMPTIONS! A big fat ASSumption. did i assume too much he liked me back? did i read those signals wrong?

my friend said i was just dropped like a hot potato and it hurts too much to admit that I was. I knew that I just assumed too much because I really liked him, that everything he did meant something more than what was intended.

they tell me I'm not myself since I discovered he was leaving and it's true. Until now, there's a struggle to be happy at work but I'm doing my best. i'm grieving and at the moment, I believe i'm on my way to the 4th stage. I am sad, I am unhappy but I am praying these feelings of depression and sadness will go away soon. 

I pray that day will come when I will meet that someone and all the broken pieces will reflect and sparkle the happiness that we'll both share. that the assumptions will be realities and the signals are pointing on the same direction.

I will wait for that day, and I know I will be happy!

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the photos.

✞✞✞ when ethics and palliative care collide!! ☤☤☤

Aging process becomes an eye opener, how those once keen and sharp minds end to this muddled and often confused state.  But all the joy comes back when their wits turns to the innocent (some perceive it as stupid) and child like questions and antics. Well, i won't generalize it for everybody, some wallow in loneliness and develop anti- social behavior. But that's where the magic of nursing care arises and paves the way for the older adults to live a life, if not to the fullest but with dignity and quality.

Then comes the hardest part, when the client's condition spirals down and the family and the ceiling of care has been established. Palliative care has played an increased significance to the population, young and old age. Palliative care is generally accepted here in New Zealand and it does offer the best option to several health condition. Quality of life is assessed and discussed between the health team, family and the patient (well, if they are still compos mentis). 

Issues emerge when patients are classified as palliative care. I suppose because some people don't understand what Palliative care is or it could be culturally motivated. Often, you hear the word euthanasia during conversation, is palliative care a form of euthanasia? Why do they have this notion? From this human's little brain's opinion, primarily due to the use of medication to alleviate their pain and distress. And which we know this medication can also hasten the life of the patient.

Is euthanasia ethical? Or mercy killing showing mercy at all? Controversies that have been debated over and over again. I grew up a Catholic and I intend to die a Catholic. And my faith tells me to respect life, to be proactive and yet I am here doing the opposite, or is it really the opposite? Was I involved in assisted killing when all we wanted is to keep him comfortable in his/her last hours? 

I will fervently say "NO", I did the right thing but for someone else, I did a terrible action despite the fact it is a part of my job to follow the plan of the collective planning of several disciplines including the family and patient allowed. Was I comfortable giving medications? If I believe this was euthanasia, do I have the right to refuse the plan and let other nurses administer medications for me? Will I get upset after a patient dies hours after I started their infusions or given them medications?

If there's one thing I mastered, it is to be objective. The patient's comfort is the priority, I feel shit after but I have learned to overcome the guilt and punch myself back to reality. As a Nurse, I have seen how a comfortable and quiet death impacts on a family. The Palliative Care assists from end of life care to family support and this leads to a different scenario of misery to acceptance and being able to live the rest of their lives of their choosing and ending it with a bang.

No one will win and judgement to who is right will be known when we eventually face Him. 

💞💞💞C H I N A 💞💞💞 L O V E 💞💞💞

9 years has passed since I first stepped into the wintry foreign land of China. I never expected or thought of being ever to be in this country, not as a Nurse anyway. I was very ambivalent with my feelings as I made my way to the customs area. The feeling of uncertainty increasing as I was getting lost at the airport and the people I approached walked away immediately as soon as I opened my mouth. As the airport staff rummaged through my luggage, I was hanging by a thread to keeling over out of nervousness. The seemingly unending luggage checking came to an end and they allowed me to get out. As I looked around the throng of people waiting for their loved ones, I was feeling that urge again to turn back and demand for a ride back to the Philippines.

I thought someone calling my name amidst the chaos was the sweetest sound I ever heard in my life. There in the horde of humans were two people jumping up and down to catch my attention. I readily burst with energy and forced them to listen to my barrage of "how the english language failed me in china". Th enthusiasm of being in the red country started to creep into my system as I watched through the car's window and quickly the landscapes and people flicked by.

Entering the building of New Hope Foundation in Beijing for the first time met me with trepidation as this little girl met us. I never saw a blue baby in my life and here greeting me with the brightest smile was one. She reached her hand and I instantly held it, it was expectedly cold and purple, I was about to carry her when her nanny approached us and led her away pointing at her wet trousers.

Jenny who was responsible for pushing me to apply for the job gave me an overview of how the foundation was operating and what kind of paediatric conditions were being admitted at the foundation's different unit but I was still surprised to see and discover the number of babies afflicted with these various conditions, most of which I only have seen and read on my nursing books before. 

These conditions has kicked in to me hardly, I was scared and my confidence plummeted 6,000 feet below sea level. I was silently castigating myself for putting myself into the situation and not preparing myself emotionally and mentally. But with the people around me, I was able to rally around and find solace in my new environment.

I learned slowly to see beyond that beneath those unfocused eyes were sparkly and laughing mirrors of joy. The gaping lip and split palate emanates the most radiant smile that melts the heart and the sweetest hug and slobbery kisses envelope your whole person with love's purity. 

Loneliness and longing are part of these love but undeniably, witnessing the children's lives changing for the better and best overwhelms the sadness felt of losing many of them which is an often occurring tragic reality.

8 years since I left, memories are still as vivid as if it happened yesterday. these children and nannies have learned to trust and love each other, and this writer has been given the most amazing opportunity to witness and experience it. Loving a stranger unconditionally is the greatest emotion this has sparked and it will always linger in the heart.

Thank you for the love! 

Why i L O V E Aged Care

Aged Care Nursing does not hold the same esteem as Nurses working in acute hospital settings. Some moments I feel the same, working initially at the Aged Care Facility (ACF) was not my first plan but fate turned me to its direction and I cannot be happier and feel blessed to be given the chance to experience this noble and very caring aspect of Nursing. My perspective turned 360 degrees around and I learned so much of myself wile working in the ACF. I never knew I could be patient, but indeed, my patience was stretched farther that what I have expected.

I admit it's not always a bed of roses, arguments and stress fill the day if not most of it but that's when you realize that these arguments and stress happen because you care and you wanted what's best not only for yourself or the staff but most because of your patients.

I cried many times, not only because I pity the residents but more on my own frustration to look after my elders. The ACF has opened my eyes to how lonely my parents had been when most of their seven children spread their wings and flew out of the nest. I appreciated them more than ever and despite having some issues with them, I know that I will always be there with them. And working in the ACF has both filled a big part of longing for my parents and appreciating all their hard wok and love they have bestowed their children unconditionally.

I now work at an Acute Hospital setting and I still get to look after the older population but the bond and rapport you build is nothing compared when you are given time to nurture and build a relationship not only with the patient but with their family and friends.

I found this video on the internet and just had a big impact on the realities of aging. Enjoy the video.
http://www.sun-gazing.com/set-hidden-camera-capture-elderly-lady-home-alone-tore-heart/

CLUTTERED MINDS

Beautiful! I wish I could really do and practice this in my everyday life!!

The old Feng Shui Principle of Clearing the Space, Clearing the Clutter form your house and ESPECIALLY Your Life is Critical for You to Manifest Your Dream Life!
How many of You are holding onto relationships that DO NOT SERVE YOUR HIGHEST GOOD?
How many of You are in Relationships that DRAIN Your Energy?
How many of You Lack the strength or are too Fearful to Speak Your Truth and Implement Healthy Strong Boundaries into Your Life and Relationships??

Imagine living a Life where Your Relationships fill You with Love, Energy and Excitement. Where the people in Your Life Lift You Up and Support you in Achieving Your Dreams and Desires! Where the people align with the core of your being and they actually GET YOU!!!

When you LET GO of Relationships that do not serve your highest Good you Clear the Space for Higher Vibrational People, Experiences and Relationships to FLOW in to Your Life!
When You Speak Your Hearts Truth You Step into Your Authentic Power!
When You Speak Your Hearts Truth it Opens Your Throat Chakra which connects to your Heart Chakra. And when you do this and Your Heart Opens more and more, the Energy Flow increases into Your Next Chakra Your Solar Plexus, the seat of your Personal Power.

If You Choose to Not Speak Your truth Your Chakras will remain at a Low Vibration and this is where you begin to manifest Symptoms of Sickness in your Body and challenges in Your Life!
If you Desire a Life of Flow, Ease n Grace, then OPENING Your Chakras is a Fundamental Step in the Direction of Your Dreams!

This is Why with all of my clients I teach them How to Open their Chakras and keep them Flowing and Balanced, to Speak their Truth and Smooth Their Words with Love and Peace, Stepping Continuously Into their Personal Power Living their Dreams!

jamieclose.com
JC

A sweet Lesson on Patience

Let’s start 2014 with a sweet lesson on patience, a virtue we have to practice every minute of our life because we never know when we unexpectedly become a blessing to someone.. <3

A NYC Taxi driver wrote:

(Source: elderhelpers.org)

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice’. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked. For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes, she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. 'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. 

For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? 

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

My CAP Journey (Competency Assessment Program, New Zealand)

Hi again, I just want to share some thoughts and ideas for fellow Nurses who wants to come and work as a Registered Nurse here in New Zealand. this i what I know of and based on what I experienced.

What is Competency Assessment Program?
This is the program required by the Nursing Council of New Zealand to ensure Internationally Qualified Nurses are able to practice and demonstrate the ability to meet the Competencies of being a Registered Nurse after the completion of the program.

What do you do during the course and how long is the course?
Length of the CAP course will depend on the school, but the minimum is 6 weeks. 2 weeks of theory- this takes place at the school and then another 4 weeks of placement (practical nursing). Some school requires a maximum of 3 months to complete the CAP course. 

The theory aspect will focus on the Nursing practice of New Zealand and history of the country and introduction to the culture. I had my CAP course at Otago Polytechnic and we had the mentioned topics plus return demonstrations on NGT insertion, catheterization and CPR. We also had demonstrations in using lifting equipment (hoists, slippery sam sheets, lifting belts, etc) used here in New Zealand. We also had to pass a couple of quizzes on drug calculations. We had to complete a comprehensive NCP, Nursing Assessment, and Critical Reflections on the 4 domains of Nursing. It was a full 8 weeks. Some schools they just require  one exemplar (it's like a summary of the 4 domains of nursing, easier than doing 4 separate reflections).

The placement period will be your time to shine! You may be assigned to an aged care facility, acute hospital setting, district nursing and others. You will be given the chance to experience the nursing practice setting of NZ. Where ever you will be placed, take every opportunity to show them how competent and deserving you are to be registered as a nurse of NZ. Borrowing Rihanna's lyrics, "Shine bright like a diamond".. :D 

You will be handled by a Preceptor (CI) who will be with you all through the placement period and who will assess your performance. You will also have a tutor (from the school) who will over see the progress you make on the paper requirements.

Does someone fail the CAP course?
Yes, I actually did fail my course, (I'll defend myself on that and say, I did not deserve what my tutor and preceptor did). What I did was to complain on the result of my assessment with the help of my sister. How did it happen I was able to still pass the course? As I went to sign a document that states I failed my course, the course coordinator (who was also my tutor) went to ask the nursing head if I still needed to sign or do anything before I go. The head then suggested I extend for another 2 weeks back to the old placement, I refused to be back at that old batty place.My sister called and talked to my tutor, she was very mad and unapologetic for how she talked to her, I guess she was just really mad to what happened to me. But there will be no point for you to go back to the same old placement who has already given you a negative feedback. Request politely for another facility, with a new tutor and a new preceptor. I got this one and for 2 weeks, I had to show them what I got and finally, I passed with flying honors.

You will be given a chance to prove you meet the competencies set out by the Nursing council, since most CAP course finishes on the 6th- 8th week (depends on the school again), you still have 2-4 weeks chance to meet the competencies. 

Remember: DON'T JUST ACCEPT WHAT THEY TELL YOU! (well, that is, if you really believe that it was an unfair decision and that you could provide some evidence that negates the result of assessment)


Who decides if you pass or fail?
From my experience, the preceptor will do your final assessment. My second preceptor told me that you have to be present when your preceptor is doing the final competency assessment. This did not happen with my first preceptor, it was the nurse manager who did the assessment and she did it by herself. And the reason you have to do it together is to give you a chance to defend yourself in case, your preceptor will say you have not met a certain competency. 

And of course, you have to complete the school requirements for you to finish the program successfully.

How much does the course cost?
It depends again on the school but it ranges from NZD 5500 to NZD 8000. Of course, that is just the tuition fee/ school fee. You will have to pay for your own board and lodging. Rent is paid weekly, cost of rent depends. You will really invest before becoming a Registered Nurse here in NZ.

What happens after you pass the CAP course?
Well, relax and enjoy! Wait for your Registration certificate then apply for your Annual Practicing Certificate. You need your APC to work as an RN, it comes with a fee (NZD 110 annually).

While waiting, you have to think about your visa. Usually, the Immigration NZ will give you 3- 4 months of visitor's visa when coming in for the CAP course. You can renew your visit visa provided you have the financial support. Check the requirements http://www.immigration.govt.nz/migrant/stream/visit/visitors/default.htm.

Next step: FIND A JOB and fulfill your middle earth nursing journey!

best of luck to all incoming CAP students.. :D


******Hi everyone, I am really sorry for not answering many of your questions. I have been really busy these past few months that I haven't checked this blog. So, I've read your comments and thank you (thousand times) for those taking time to answer questions of other hopeful (then successful) applicants. Certainly, there's like several changes in the process with NCNZ being online now and to which I don't have any idea how it works. So, once again, Thank you, Maraming Salamat po, to everyone who answered. See you all here in NEW ZEALAND. Be kind to one another. Best of Luck to everyone!!!

----rachel, 29/06/16